Politically Correct, or Particularly Conscientious?

While I would argue that teen magazines are typically a harmful influence on developing female minds, I admit to having read them as a girl who still grew up to buck the system.

Some of my favorite parts of those magazines were the silly little quizzes.  I don't remember most of them, of course, but there is one question from one particular quiz that has always stuck with me.  The question was, "What does 'PC' really stand for?"

The possible answers were politically correct, personal computer, and particularly conscientious.  I chose the last option.  That question had a lasting impact on the way I view speech.

Fast forward to today.  There is a meme going around on Facebook:

Text: "You find it offensive? I find it funny. That's why I'm happier than you."

That's just common sense, right?  It is easier to be happy when you don't care about how others feel.  But is that really what you want?

It's not about avoiding "offense," or about being politically correct.  It's not about censoring free speech.  It's about being particularly conscientious.  It's about being compassionate and considerate, and thinking about how your words might affect other people.  I'd rather rest easy knowing that I've treated others kindly than enjoy a cheap laugh at others' expense.

That said, there is a difference between harm and offensiveness, though they often overlap.  I think it's important to look at why something might be perceived as offensive.  Is it because it contains a swear word?  Is it because it has to do with sex?  Is it because it's blasphemous?  Is it because it promotes acceptance of harmless behavior that is against some people's religion?  Is it because it criticizes harmful behavior that is accepted by the mainstream?

Or is it because it's racist, sexist, classist, transphobic, homophobic/biphobic, ableist, speciesist, body-negative, objectifying, shaming, stigmatizing, triggering, etc.; or callously mocking other people's deeply-held religious beliefs?  Or is it just plain mean?

If it's in the second group, I think it's best to avoid saying it.  If not, it's probably okay.  But it's important to be open to hearing other viewpoints about it.  If someone tells you that your well-intended joke is indeed harmful, I think it's wise to reflect and consider whether they may have a point, and apologize if warranted.

Furthermore, the kind of happiness attained at others' expense is a shallow kind of happiness.  Research suggests that happiness attained from having a sense of purpose and helping others is the best for our well-being.

A Conversation with Dan Choi, Part 3: Allies

And now, Part 3 of an interview that I conducted early last year....

Yeah, I know; it's a lot more than a little late. But better late than never, right?

What happened? Well, for starters, I procrastinated on doing the research to introduce Part 3. Then my computer broke, and it remained broken for a year or so. It's finally up and running, so I have access to my interview files now. I figured I might as well post the final part here, for anyone who happens to remember the first two parts and wants to read the conclusion to the interview.

In the time since I posted Part 1 and Part 2, Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed. The repeal finally went into effect on September 20, 2011. Transgender soldiers still are not allowed to serve. Since attempts to declare DADT unconstitutional have so far failed, the policy can be reinstated by executive fiat in the future. You can read the full timeline of the rise and fall of Don't Ask, Don't Tell here.

In Part 1 of this interview, Lt. Choi discussed the importance of sacrifice in the struggle for civil rights. In Part 2, he explained the necessity of agitation in social justice movements. In Part 3, he talks about allies—and I surprise him with a revelation of my own.

These themes are still relevant now, after the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Much can be learned from Lt. Dan Choi, brilliant activist that he is.


We know that allies are indispensable for our movement. How can we get more allies involved in activism? How can we get them to understand that our struggle is relevant to them?

That question requires us to look at the process of how somebody becomes an ally. Luella, you can answer that very eloquently yourself. If you didn’t know gay people, if you weren’t personally in contact with somebody who is gay, I think it would be very difficult to jump into activism as a straight ally, or as somebody who would get involved or contribute in any way. I believe that deep down in the heart of everybody who is an activist—whether they’re gay, or straight, or trans, or whatever their identity—I believe that there is a personal motivation as to why. They saw somebody who was either injured, or insulted, or damaged—or even vindicated and empowered—and they knew the kinds of injustice that exist. Or they just have a personal fondness for somebody who made the opportunity available to them. But deep down, the very foundation and the root of why people have jumped into activism, and in this movement, is because they have a personal motivation, because somebody got them to think deeply about the issues.

And so, in the end, it’s still required for us just to come out of the closet. For gay people, coming out of the closet is the most powerful thing, and the most accessible element to everybody, because essentially, it costs nothing but the fetters of having to lie, and shedding the kind of imprisonment that has been bothering you; that’s the only thing you lose. It’s accessible to everybody, and then, the people who hear it—it doesn’t just end there, because you’re a straight ally, and you’re doing—

Actually—speaking of coming out—I guess you were under the impression that I’m straight, but I’m actually bi.

Oh, okay. I didn’t realize that. Well, now you just told me.

Yeah.

I just assumed, because you were talking about your boyfriend.

Well, that’s one of the problems with bisexual erasure. But that’s a whole other topic.

Yeah, well, now you’re educating me, which is—that is evidence right there. Any time that we are able to be bolder in our truth, it certainly empowers ourselves, but it empowers other people, as well. And one of the many important things to realize with the movement as a whole is that not everybody is going to have the wherewithal to make the sacrifices that are necessary. And I understand completely that there are some who might find it very unpalatable—unimaginable—to be involved, and to make those sacrifices. I do not look down on them.

However, we have all recognized and acknowledged the importance of the very act of stepping up and searing into the consciousness—not only of the people that need to be convinced, but of the people within our own community—that there are people within our family, our community, that this means so much to their personal journeys and lives that they are willing to step up to this level. And it needs to be a very clear message that resonates with every gay person. We’ve done this, and we’re going to continue doing this. We need you to be involved, as well. What will you do? Everybody has something that they can contribute.

And I’m not just going to think in the linear sense of, okay, well, the civil disobedience only, and most pointedly, is about getting this one Defense Authorization Bill. It’s obvious it does more than that. And the larger journey and the effort for me—and what gives me the most hope and inspiration—is when I hear that other people who have no desire to do anything with the military, they see these things, and they see what our group of people is doing, and our group is continuing to grow. That has inspired other people to come out of the closet, to have courage and faith that since these people are being true to themselves—these people that are no longer going to lie anymore—they could also have strength.

So, to think so narrowly that the only ramifications of this civil disobedience are this law, or the realm of politics, is absolutely shortsighted. There is something of a clear message that deeply resonated with a lot of people throughout the entire community, and that’s why you see so many people who have nothing to do with the military, or who never want anybody to be in the military, who try to be part of it, and to be strengthened and emboldened by the actions of others. If that’s all that we’ve achieved with this, it’s probably one of the most important things that can result out of it. And obviously, it is tied to the legislative goals, and it is tied to the political goals, and that, too, is an important thing, but what needs to deeply resonate is the very important element of our civil disobedience that it is also a message within our own community.

Lieutenant Choi, thank you for your courage, leadership, and personal sacrifice, and thank you very much for speaking with me today.

No problem, Luella.


This interview has been edited for readability. Many thanks to Colin Murphy and Adam Shriver for their advice and assistance with editing. If you’d like to get involved in grassroots LGBT activism in St. Louis, please visit ShowMeNoHate.com. You can find info on grassroots organizing for LGBT equality wherever you are at GetEqual.org. And please join the movement for economic equality for all Americans, the 99% movement of Occupy Wall Street and other local occupations like Occupy St. Louis.

You Might Be a Rape Supporter If....

This list is a work in progress. It is my response to a blog post that has been circulating around the internet, titled, "A Man Is a Rape-Supporter If...."

Though I agree with some of the items on that list, and understand that the author meant "rape supporter" in the sense that people who buy clothing made in sweatshops support child labor, I believe that in defining rape supporters so broadly and indicting an entire gender, the post does more harm than good. For one thing, people who actually condone rape (and there are more of them than one would like to believe) will likely feel smug and justified in their beliefs after reading such a post.

Thus, I offer my own list of indications that one might be a rape supporter. It is not an exhaustive list. I do not have full knowledge or understanding of all of the issues brought up herein. Based on what I do know and understand at this point in time, I consider myself somewhere in between the anti-porn/anti-prostitution and the sex-positive feminists. If you disagree with any of the items on this list, or if there's another item you think that I ought to include, I am open to suggestions.


You Might Be a Rape Supporter If....

You have ever committed rape by the current legal definition.

You have ever talked someone into having sex with you when they initially expressed (verbally or nonverbally) discomfort with the idea.

You have ever touched another person's breasts or genitals without their permission or clear signs of approval.

You have ever gotten someone drunk in the hope that they would then agree to have sex with you.

You believe that teenaged boys who are raped by their attractive female high school teachers have really just "scored" and deserve high-fives rather than protection.

You believe that children who are sexually abused by adults are provocative or "asking for it."

You believe that women who dress in sexually appealing ways are asking to be raped.

You've described a client who was sexually abused by their current or former psychotherapist as having had "an affair" with their therapist, or you believe that the abuse was okay because the client "consented" to sex with the therapist.

You believe that it's impossible to rape a prostitute or other sex worker.

You believe that it's impossible to rape a man, or that men are lucky to be raped by attractive women.

You believe that anyone wants to be raped.

You believe that lesbians and bisexual women need to be raped in order to turn them straight.

You support transphobic laws and policies that push transgender people into the sex trade.

You've asked someone who was sexually assaulted or coerced into sex if they "learned their lesson," or told them to behave differently in the future to avoid being victimized.

You knowingly frequent strip clubs that look the other way when strippers are assaulted or mistreated by customers.

You knowingly purchase pornography that was produced under exploitative conditions.

You have knowingly paid for sex with someone who was forced or coerced into prostitution.

You regularly tell or laugh at rape jokes, and don't speak up when you hear others telling them.*



* Being afraid to speak up is one thing, but actually thinking that rape jokes are funny is quite another.

Spambots Are Evil

Okay, I'm not sure what to do with this blog.  I just deleted 22 spam comments from the previous post.  Blogger's anti-spam software doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.  I had to turn on comment moderation, because every new post on this blog gets a number of spam comments.  The CAPTCHA doesn't work.

I don't think that anyone really reads this blog, anyway, unless I share a post on Facebook.  I haven't really done much to promote it.  And I've been more likely to post to the St. Louis Activist Hub ever since I became a contributor there.

So maybe I should just get rid of this blog, and move the important posts to a new location.

Brief Update (Long Time, No Blog)

It's Mental Health Month.  So I will share that I have been depressed.  I have been told that I ought to write more, but I've been suffering from writer's block.

Some time ago, in fact, I was fortunate enough to conduct an interview with a major well-known DADT activist.  What have I done with that interview?  Roughly transcribed it, and not much else.  Fortunately, a fellow local activist blogger has agreed to help me get the interview into a readable form.  The news may have changed since the interview took place, but I still think it's worth putting out there.

So stay tuned for that interview.  We'll be posting it on the Activist Hub.  I'm also going to try to get my thoughts together for an official Mental Health Month post.  (ETA: Part 1 and Part 2 of my interview with Lt. Dan Choi are now online!)

In the meantime, check out this article in The Huffington Post.  Today is National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day.  Rosalynn Carter quotes the late Dr. Julius Richmond as having said, "Every day that we do not intervene with effective programs, we are losing remarkable human potential. And every child whose potential is wasted is an incredible loss to the nation."

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Act now to save ENDA!

Bad news: ENDA has been shelved. Congress is putting off voting on ENDA (the Employment Non-Discrimination Act) until the beginning of 2010 -- when election-year pressures will make it harder than ever to get this important legislation passed.

It is now more urgent than ever to call and write your senators and representatives to demand that they pass ENDA now.

(Read more at the St. Louis Activist Hub.)

March Against Violence

Last weekend at the St. Louis nightclub the Complex, three young men were approached by four men from another bar who called them "f-----s" and then attacked them because they're gay.

Also last weekend, a woman who uses a wheelchair was raped and robbed by two men near a gas station in Ladue.

In response to these vicious crimes, local activists in the LGBT community have organized a candlelight vigil, march and rally to be held Friday, Dec. 4, at 7 p.m. along Manchester Ave. Speakers at the rally will include Sen. McCaskill, the Mayor's office, Rep. Clay, the NAACP and others.

(Read more at the St. Louis Activist Hub.)

Rally at the St. Louis Cathedral Basilica

Catholic Action Network, the Holy Families Committee, and Show Me No Hate are organizing a rally to be held at the steps of the St. Louis Cathedral Basilica on Sunday, November 29.

(Read more at the St. Louis Activist Hub.)

Don't forget the "T"!

Once again, it is Transgender Day of Remembrance, the one day set aside every year to remember and honor our transgender friends whose lives have been lost due to hatred and bigotry. Anti-transgender hate crime is some of the most vicious and brutal violence out there. It's unacceptable that so many are murdered just because their bodies don't happen to match their genders.

I am lucky to have many creative and caring friends who are very dear to me. One of my friends, who happens to be trans, has expressed her appreciation that I treat her like just another person.

Receiving gratitude for not discriminating against my friend is an odd experience. I have never had a friend with, say, freckles tell me how glad she is that I treat her the same way that I treat other people.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who treat trans folks as though they were less than human. Even among LGBs, trans people are often treated with intolerance and disrespect, and it breaks my heart to see it. LGBs of all people ought to understand what it's like to be hated and excluded. Though it may be tempting, there is no excuse for passing on society's contempt for us to a group of people that is even more marginalized than we are.

My dear friend Robyn of TransHaven Missouri says that trans people are just people, like everyone else. I agree with her for the most part, but I would modify that statement: Trans people are people who, by and large, have been subjected to psychological abuse throughout their lives, and who sometimes have to hide who they are just to avoid being killed.

If you're in St. Louis, I invite you to join me this evening at 5:00 at Wash. U. for a TDOR memorial. I will stand by my trans friends to remember their dead and give thanks that my friends are still alive.


Cross-posted to St. Louis Activist Hub

Women Are Animals, Too

Feminist bloggers alerted me to an offensive billboard ad campaign by PETA. I want to make it clear that PETA does not represent all vegetarians.

As others have pointed out, there are plenty of vegetarian foods that are not good for you. Going vegetarian will not automatically make you skinny. But even if it did, that would be irrelevant here.

This billboard is not about fighting obesity; it's about degrading women and others who are overweight. If PETA wants to make a point about the potential health benefits of vegetarianism, it should do so in a non-derogatory manner. Judging humans by their body shapes does nothing to advance the welfare or rights of nonhuman animals; rather, it merely perpetuates human hatred and inequality.

I made the moral decision to "go veggie" 20 years ago when I was 7 years old. I did it because I had compassion for other sentient beings. Ads like this one lack compassion and give vegetarians a bad name.

I expect better from an organization that claims to support animal rights. PETA needs to remember that human beings are animals, too.

Is Obama giving up on the public option?

Today, the Associated Press published a story claiming that the White House appears ready to abandon the public option. Without a public option, there is no real health care reform.

(Continue reading at the St. Louis Activist Hub.)

Breaking News: CA Supreme Court Upholds Ban on Marriage Equality

The California Supreme Court has announced its ruling on Proposition 8: As had been anticipated, the court upheld the amendment banning same-sex marriage, but the estimated 18,000 marriages that were created before the amendment passed will be allowed to stand.

I have no words to express my reaction to this injustice. California's highest court has upheld the tyranny of the majority.

St. Louisans, please join us at 5:30 p.m. downtown in the City Hall Rotunda to express your outrage at this ruling.


Cross-posted to St. Louis Activist Hub

"Day of Decision" Rally

The California Supreme Court has announced that it will be ruling on the legal challenge to Proposition 8 this Tuesday, May 26. Supporters of marriage equality will rally across the nation regardless of the decision.

Ed Reggi of Show Me No Hate is organizing a rally in St. Louis to be held at City Hall on Tuesday evening from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. From the Show Me No Hate blog:

A pro-Equality court decision would help fortify our community against what could be difficult years of economic strain and scapegoating.

A[n] anti-Equality court decision would likely fuel the heightened level of violence already recorded against the LGBTQ community across our nation. It will embolden more bigotry and homophobia.

If the court overturns Prop 8, we will all be celebrating. If the court upholds the proposition, we will all unite in protest. "We must pack our City Hall to stand in solidarity with California and the world," Reggi said. Please join us downtown on Tuesday evening as we stand united for equality!


Cross-posted to St. Louis Activist Hub

"Marriage Is Love" Revisited, or "We just saved a bundle on car insurance!"

~~~ See end of post for important update! ~~~

Yesterday, I attended the Marriage Equality Town Hall Talk at Central Reform Congregation. Two of my closest friends went with me. My friends enjoyed the talk and found it informative and thought-provoking.

Over dinner afterward, we chatted about marriage equality. One of my friends told me that the talk was really good. She said she learned some things that she hadn't known before. She even said that if she were to attend a marriage equality rally, the sign she'd make would say something like, "I can get married; why can't they?" That was thrilling, because back in November, she hadn't seemed interested enough in the issue to want to attend a rally in protest of Proposition 8.

At the talk, we heard from some of the couples who traveled to Iowa on May 1st how life has or hasn't changed since they got legally married there.

Many said the day was bittersweet. It wasn't how they had imagined getting married. They had wanted a normal wedding with all of their family and friends present. Some had hesitated before deciding that boarding the bus was the right thing to do.

But most were surprised by how meaningful the day turned out to be. They didn't encounter any protesters, and the people of Iowa City were welcoming. The bus and the church in which they tied the knot were full of love and support that day.

And they returned home to some unexpected benefits of marriage. For one thing, getting married in Iowa entitled the couples to a legal name change for the $35 cost of the marriage license -- and the name changes cannot be contested in the state of Missouri. Other same-sex couples have spent thousands of dollars getting their names changed without a marriage license.

Ed Reggi spoke of how the businesses with which he holds accounts wanted to change his account status to "married." Because of their new married status, Ed and his husband Scott Emanuel were able to save hundreds of dollars a year on their car insurance. I now think that the newlywed couple ought to star in a GEICO commercial:

"The state of Missouri won't recognize our out-of-state marriage license. But there's good news!"

"What's that?"

"We just saved a bunch of money on car insurance!"

During a question-and-answer session, I asked if it's true that it's a misdemeanor to perform a same-sex wedding ceremony in Missouri. Rabbi Susan Talve confirmed that it's a misdemeanor in this state "to solemnize a marriage without a marriage license." Religious leaders are representatives of the state when they conduct wedding ceremonies. The government grants them the right to officiate, to create a legal marriage along with the spiritual union. By default, all same-sex weddings in Missouri are performed without a marriage license. In 2004, Missourians passed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Rabbi Talve has never actually been cited for officiating a same-sex wedding, and she has done so numerous times. "Let them try!" she quipped. But technically, she doesn't have the legal right to marry same-sex couples, even though her religion fully supports such couples' right to marry. She spoke of the sadness that accompanies her joy when conducting same-sex wedding ceremonies. She wants to be able to make the marriages legal, and she can't. This is the heart of why legalizing same-sex marriage is a matter of religious freedom.

Another person asked how a separate-but-equal right to civil unions for same-sex couples would be different than the right to civil marriage. Reggi summarized what he has heard from lawyer friends: The word "marriage" is written into law on so many different levels that creating an entirely new institution would pose no end of legal challenges. Even if civil unions were legally equivalent to civil marriages, problems might arise when, for example, couples with a civil union license crossed state lines.

This argument also applies to the idea of the government getting out of the marriage business: If civil marriages were replaced by civil unions, then opposite-sex couples wishing to form a civil union would most likely run into the same legal hassles. And all because certain people don't want to share the sacred word "marriage" with committed, loving same-sex couples whose unions are just as sacred as theirs.

One member of one of the couples compared the opposition to same-sex marriage with the opposition to interracial marriage by a previous generation. "It's the same discrimination all over again," she said. Her parents are an interracial couple.


Next up in the fight for marriage equality is the Prop 8 Day of Decision. The California Supreme Court has only until June 3rd to rule on the challenge to Proposition 8. The ruling will be on either a Monday or a Thursday. Supporters of marriage equality need to be ready to rally, regardless of the decision!


IMPORTANT UPDATE 5/22/09: Today the California Supreme Court announced that it will rule on Prop 8 this Tuesday, May 26, at 10 a.m. Pacific time (12 noon Central). Ed Reggi is planning a rally in St. Louis for Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. Please add him as a friend on Facebook and be ready to protest or celebrate!


Cross-posted to St. Louis Activist Hub

Daring to Live Authentically

Until now, I haven't discussed my own sexual orientation in this blog, for a couple of reasons: 1) because it shouldn't be an issue, and 2) because it is an issue.

In my opinion, my own sexual orientation shouldn't have any relevance to the issues I discuss here. What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong, and love is love, no matter how or whom the author happens to love personally. My sexual orientation ought to be a non-issue.

However, prevalent homophobia has made sexual orientation an issue. Whether due to religious beliefs or simply personal discomfort, there are many who find only heterosexuality acceptable. While I'm not terribly concerned about strangers who think or feel that way, I have been worried in the back of my mind that someone in my family who assumes I'm hetero might eventually stumble across this blog, figure out that it's mine, and reject or disassociate from me.

This morning, I came out to my father.

I told him that I'm bi, because I know he's familiar with that term. Pansexual would be more accurate, although still imperfect. Panamorous might be better, but it's a relatively unknown term. Labels are kind of a pain in the a--. The point is, I'm not hetero, and saying that I'm "bi" was the best way I could think of to get that point across to my dad, without emphasizing the "sexual," which I'd rather not discuss with him.

Awhile ago, I came out to my mother. It was more of a process, really, than a one-time discussion. She's supportive, but I get the feeling that the concept is rather foreign to her. She asks questions in an odd tone of voice -- a mixture of concern, curiosity, and something else I can't identify. I try to answer her questions as best I can. When she acknowledges my answers, she sounds as though she's taking notes.

My dad said that he isn't concerned about it either way. He said that it's my choice. I said, "Actually, it's not a choice." He said okay, and immediately changed the subject: "So, what else is new?" Then we had a brief conversation about other things. I had been planning to offer him the link to this blog, but decided not to, because he sounded uncomfortable. He sounded as though he had a forced smile on his face. (I came out to him by phone. It was my compromise between seeing him to do it, and taking the easy way out by e-mailing him.) I guess I need to give him time to let it sink in, even though he acted as though it doesn't matter (and, of course, it shouldn't).

I still haven't come out to anyone in my extended family. Most of them are pretty conservative, so it's not something I'm looking forward to. Besides, I am already a black sheep. Telling them I'm bi would be another strike against me.

But they might not all be as closed-minded as I'd previously thought. At a recent family event, someone brought up homosexuality. Someone else said, "There's nothing wrong with that." I don't know how many people were paying attention, but no one raised any objections to that statement.

I learned from the women's movement that the personal is political. Coming out provides human faces for the alphabet soup of LGBTQIA. When queers come out of the closet, prejudiced people see whom they are talking about. It is harder to discriminate against people that one knows and loves.

I have been working on having the courage to be honest about who I really am. It's a process, with many fits and starts, but well worth the effort of perseverance. I want to thank Ed Reggi and Scott Emanuel; the other 16 newlywed couples; Bill Donius; and numerous friends, lovers, and teachers for inspiring me to be me.

Marriage Equality Advocacy Celebration Photos

The other day, I had the privilege of attending the Marriage Equality Advocacy Celebration in honor of the 17 Missouri same-sex couples who got legally married in Iowa on May 1st. Listening to their stories, tears of joy and inspiration filled my eyes. If you weren't able to attend, I wish you could've been there.

I didn't take many photos, because I wanted to be fully present in the moment. But I thought I would share a few of the photos I did take.

Congratulations to the newlyweds! May you all have long and happy marriages. :-)

Show Me Marriage Equality

Today, Ed Reggi and Scott Emanuel, as well as 16 other same-sex couples from Missouri, traveled by bus to Iowa City, Iowa to get legally married in that state. While their marriages won't be recognized by the state of Missouri when they return home tonight, their trip makes a powerful statement that there are same-sex couples who would get legally married in this state if they could, and that marriage equality is an important goal for Missouri and the rest of the nation.

Tomorrow, from 3-5 p.m., there will be a Marriage Equality Advocacy Celebration at Washington University's George Warren Brown School of Social Work. Drinks and cake will be provided; however, attendees are encouraged to bring a dish to share. The event is free and open to all, but the organizers will be collecting donations for PROMO, Sage Metro St. Louis, Growing American Youth, the LGBT Community Center, and the ACLU of Eastern Missouri, in honor of the 17 newly-married couples.

Congratulations to Ed, Scott, and the other newlyweds. May this day be the beginning of a long, happy wedded life for each of you; and may your marriages be legally recognized by this state and by the federal government, as they ought to be, sooner rather than later.

Mazel tov!

National Sexual Assault Awareness Month (and yes, I'm still alive)

This is the clichéd-yet-obligatory "I'm not dead" intro. I haven't posted in this blog for several months, due to personal and family goings-on. But I've decided that it's time to start writing again, because--among other reasons--this is the end of April. April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and I wanted to share some thoughts about it.

Whether you know it or not, rape, incest and sexual assault affect everyone. If you haven't been a victim yourself, someone you know and care about almost certainly has. These are crimes that are woefully underreported, by male survivors most of all:

Many people don't take male sexual assault seriously. This is one of the reasons why male victims have a difficult time reporting what happened and why the rates of male sexual assault are thought to be significantly underreported. If a male survivor's friends think that male sexual assault is a joke, he will feel isolated and afraid to tell anyone. Sexual assault is a painful, traumatic experience for any victim.

The National Center for PTSD elaborates:

There is a bias in our culture against viewing the sexual assault of boys and men as prevalent and abusive. Because of this bias, there is a belief that boys and men do not experience abuse and do not suffer from the same negative impact that girls and women do. However, research shows that at least 10% of boys and men are sexually assaulted and that boys and men can suffer profoundly from the experience. Because so few people have information about male sexual assault, men often suffer from a sense of being different, which can make it more difficult for men to seek help.

There is some controversy over statistics regarding the prevalence of male versus female sexual assault in this country. I will not address the controversy here, as I have not done enough research to speak as an authority on this issue. Most statistics I have found indicate that women are victims of rape and sexual assault much more frequently than men. But it is clear that rape, sexual assault, and other forms of abuse* affect all genders. And sexual violence or abuse of anyone is unacceptable.

Here are some ways you can help a loved one who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Most of these guidelines apply or can be adapted to help a victim/survivor of physical assault or domestic violence. Self-care is also imperative, though often difficult. Please see the links near the bottom of the webpage for some guidelines regarding self-care, for friends and family members as well as for survivors.

If you have been a victim of rape or sexual assault, you can get help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). If you are currently a victim of domestic violence and need help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). (Please keep in mind that computer and phone use can be monitored.) You are not alone, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You need not listen to the voices of abusers anymore.


* WARNING: This video contains graphic, disturbing images of real violence, which may be triggering to some. If you have been a victim of assault, battering, or other forms of domestic violence and have symptoms of post-traumatic stress, please do not watch this video unless you are in a safe place by yourself or with people you trust, and are confident that you can watch it without being triggered. If you feel triggered after watching this video, try watching something cute and fuzzy to help you calm down. If you experience a flashback while watching this video and do not feel safe, please call a trusted friend or a crisis hotline such as the Life Crisis Line in St. Louis, MO (314-647-4357).

Light Up the Night for Equality

Hello, and Happy Holidays!

I have lots of ideas for writing, but the thoughts need to coalesce. Among other things, I'm working on a two-part piece, but the second part has yet to materialize. Alas, I'm not very prolific at this stage in my blogging career. But no one's reading this blog yet, anyway, so I don't think that matters much. :-) On to what's important now:

First of all, Project Postcard is still going on. I haven't mentioned this before, but they are encouraging us to send a postcard to Obama before the New Year to remind the President-elect to keep his campaign promises.

Tomorrow, Saturday, Dec. 20 in St. Louis is Santarchy, a daylong barhop for Santas and elves. At 6 p.m. is Light Up the Night for Equality, and I hope that Santas and allies will participate in this peaceful event.

If you're planning to do Santarchy, you don't have to do the whole thing. It goes from noon to 2 a.m. or so, and I would venture to posit that that's a little too much drinking even for most St. Louisans(?). So if you want, you can still do Light Up the Night before or after Santarchy. There will be a group of people carrying candles in the Loop, and afterwards there will be the option to attend a free holiday concert.

Please note, the candlelit walk in the Loop is a vigil, not the time or place for outrageous costumes, drunken antics, chanting or protest signs. Please dress appropriately and stick to silence or singing if you choose to attend.

The other option, if you're busy with Santarchy or something else, is to light a candle at home and place it on your porch or in your window. For safety's sake, you are encouraged to use battery-operated electric candles.

So if you're going out in the evening, please light an electric candle on your windowsill before you leave. If you'd like, stop by the Loop for the candlelight vigil at 6. Peace and joy to you and yours, and thanks for supporting equality!

Human Rights, and Day without a Gay

Next Wednesday, December 10, is international Human Rights Day. It's also Day without a Gay.


What is Day without a Gay? In short, it is a day for LGBTQ people and allies to "call in gay" to work in order to give back to the community. People are justifiably outraged by the passage of California's Proposition 8, as well as the anti-gay ballot measures in Florida, Arizona, and Arkansas, and other violations of the civil rights of LGBTQ Americans. It is important to stand up and fight, but in order to win, we must get beyond our anger. Volunteering for LGBTQ-friendly organizations is an excellent way to do so.

You do not have to be gay to take the day off on the 10th to support our cause. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and asexuals are all invited to do so, as are people who are transgendered, intersexed, genderqueer, or allies of all of the above. The word "Gay" was chosen simply because it rhymes with "Day." This day is about tolerance and inclusiveness. So please don't let the name put you off.

Another concern that some have about Day without a Gay is the impracticality of taking the day off work. Besides the obvious risks of "calling in gay," some people -- many people -- do not have paid vacation time, and some truly cannot afford to take the day off work. Thus, Day without a Gay has been accused of being classist, and I can understand that viewpoint. I do believe that the day is important, but it's probably not worth losing your electricity or missing your rent or mortgage payment.

But you don't have to take the day off to help. You can volunteer whenever you are able -- perhaps before or after work on the 10th, but really, any day of the year -- and if you're not able, you can do other things to support the cause.

If you are interested and able to attend, Show Me No Hate is sponsoring a Community Education Day as the local (St. Louis) event for Day without a Gay. "This will be a day," according to the site, when "we can get educated, energized, mobilized and prepared" to continue the fight for LGBTQ equality. And at the end of the event, we get to watch the new movie Milk. A limited number of free tickets will be available.


December 10, 2008 is the 60th anniversary of the United Nations' Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The General Assembly of the UN "adopted and proclaimed" the Declaration in 1948. In 1948 we had this proclamation of human rights and human dignity.

Reading the UDHR today, in 21st Century America, I am amazed by how progressive it sounds, relative to American politics. More important, I am struck by how many human rights violations my country engages in regularly.

Article 16 states that marriage is a human right for "[m]en and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion." Gender variants are not mentioned, and sexuality is not specifically mentioned as an unacceptable limitation to marriage. But Article 2 establishes that all people are "entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status [emphasis mine]."

This country and the world still have a long way to go, and the truth is, there are much more egregious human rights violations than the lack of same-sex marriage being committed in the United States and all over the world. Humans are troubled creatures, prone to hatred, violence and divisiveness. I am a realist. I realize that human nature cannot be forced into submission.

But I'm also an idealist. I know that we've come a long way already. And I still hope for the ultimate triumph of love, peace and unity.