You Might Be a Rape Supporter If....

This list is a work in progress. It is my response to a blog post that has been circulating around the internet, titled, "A Man Is a Rape-Supporter If...."

Though I agree with some of the items on that list, and understand that the author meant "rape supporter" in the sense that people who buy clothing made in sweatshops support child labor, I believe that in defining rape supporters so broadly and indicting an entire gender, the post does more harm than good. For one thing, people who actually condone rape (and there are more of them than one would like to believe) will likely feel smug and justified in their beliefs after reading such a post.

Thus, I offer my own list of indications that one might be a rape supporter. It is not an exhaustive list. I do not have full knowledge or understanding of all of the issues brought up herein. Based on what I do know and understand at this point in time, I consider myself somewhere in between the anti-porn/anti-prostitution and the sex-positive feminists. If you disagree with any of the items on this list, or if there's another item you think that I ought to include, I am open to suggestions.


You Might Be a Rape Supporter If....

You have ever committed rape by the current legal definition.

You have ever talked someone into having sex with you when they initially expressed (verbally or nonverbally) discomfort with the idea.

You have ever touched another person's breasts or genitals without their permission or clear signs of approval.

You have ever gotten someone drunk in the hope that they would then agree to have sex with you.

You believe that teenaged boys who are raped by their attractive female high school teachers have really just "scored" and deserve high-fives rather than protection.

You believe that children who are sexually abused by adults are provocative or "asking for it."

You believe that women who dress in sexually appealing ways are asking to be raped.

You've described a client who was sexually abused by their current or former psychotherapist as having had "an affair" with their therapist, or you believe that the abuse was okay because the client "consented" to sex with the therapist.

You believe that it's impossible to rape a prostitute or other sex worker.

You believe that it's impossible to rape a man, or that men are lucky to be raped by attractive women.

You believe that anyone wants to be raped.

You believe that lesbians and bisexual women need to be raped in order to turn them straight.

You support transphobic laws and policies that push transgender people into the sex trade.

You've asked someone who was sexually assaulted or coerced into sex if they "learned their lesson," or told them to behave differently in the future to avoid being victimized.

You knowingly frequent strip clubs that look the other way when strippers are assaulted or mistreated by customers.

You knowingly purchase pornography that was produced under exploitative conditions.

You have knowingly paid for sex with someone who was forced or coerced into prostitution.

You regularly tell or laugh at rape jokes, and don't speak up when you hear others telling them.*



* Being afraid to speak up is one thing, but actually thinking that rape jokes are funny is quite another.

Don't forget the "T"!

Once again, it is Transgender Day of Remembrance, the one day set aside every year to remember and honor our transgender friends whose lives have been lost due to hatred and bigotry. Anti-transgender hate crime is some of the most vicious and brutal violence out there. It's unacceptable that so many are murdered just because their bodies don't happen to match their genders.

I am lucky to have many creative and caring friends who are very dear to me. One of my friends, who happens to be trans, has expressed her appreciation that I treat her like just another person.

Receiving gratitude for not discriminating against my friend is an odd experience. I have never had a friend with, say, freckles tell me how glad she is that I treat her the same way that I treat other people.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who treat trans folks as though they were less than human. Even among LGBs, trans people are often treated with intolerance and disrespect, and it breaks my heart to see it. LGBs of all people ought to understand what it's like to be hated and excluded. Though it may be tempting, there is no excuse for passing on society's contempt for us to a group of people that is even more marginalized than we are.

My dear friend Robyn of TransHaven Missouri says that trans people are just people, like everyone else. I agree with her for the most part, but I would modify that statement: Trans people are people who, by and large, have been subjected to psychological abuse throughout their lives, and who sometimes have to hide who they are just to avoid being killed.

If you're in St. Louis, I invite you to join me this evening at 5:00 at Wash. U. for a TDOR memorial. I will stand by my trans friends to remember their dead and give thanks that my friends are still alive.


Cross-posted to St. Louis Activist Hub

National Sexual Assault Awareness Month (and yes, I'm still alive)

This is the clichéd-yet-obligatory "I'm not dead" intro. I haven't posted in this blog for several months, due to personal and family goings-on. But I've decided that it's time to start writing again, because--among other reasons--this is the end of April. April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and I wanted to share some thoughts about it.

Whether you know it or not, rape, incest and sexual assault affect everyone. If you haven't been a victim yourself, someone you know and care about almost certainly has. These are crimes that are woefully underreported, by male survivors most of all:

Many people don't take male sexual assault seriously. This is one of the reasons why male victims have a difficult time reporting what happened and why the rates of male sexual assault are thought to be significantly underreported. If a male survivor's friends think that male sexual assault is a joke, he will feel isolated and afraid to tell anyone. Sexual assault is a painful, traumatic experience for any victim.

The National Center for PTSD elaborates:

There is a bias in our culture against viewing the sexual assault of boys and men as prevalent and abusive. Because of this bias, there is a belief that boys and men do not experience abuse and do not suffer from the same negative impact that girls and women do. However, research shows that at least 10% of boys and men are sexually assaulted and that boys and men can suffer profoundly from the experience. Because so few people have information about male sexual assault, men often suffer from a sense of being different, which can make it more difficult for men to seek help.

There is some controversy over statistics regarding the prevalence of male versus female sexual assault in this country. I will not address the controversy here, as I have not done enough research to speak as an authority on this issue. Most statistics I have found indicate that women are victims of rape and sexual assault much more frequently than men. But it is clear that rape, sexual assault, and other forms of abuse* affect all genders. And sexual violence or abuse of anyone is unacceptable.

Here are some ways you can help a loved one who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Most of these guidelines apply or can be adapted to help a victim/survivor of physical assault or domestic violence. Self-care is also imperative, though often difficult. Please see the links near the bottom of the webpage for some guidelines regarding self-care, for friends and family members as well as for survivors.

If you have been a victim of rape or sexual assault, you can get help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). If you are currently a victim of domestic violence and need help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). (Please keep in mind that computer and phone use can be monitored.) You are not alone, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You need not listen to the voices of abusers anymore.


* WARNING: This video contains graphic, disturbing images of real violence, which may be triggering to some. If you have been a victim of assault, battering, or other forms of domestic violence and have symptoms of post-traumatic stress, please do not watch this video unless you are in a safe place by yourself or with people you trust, and are confident that you can watch it without being triggered. If you feel triggered after watching this video, try watching something cute and fuzzy to help you calm down. If you experience a flashback while watching this video and do not feel safe, please call a trusted friend or a crisis hotline such as the Life Crisis Line in St. Louis, MO (314-647-4357).

R.I.P. Bigots and their Victims

Yesterday was Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to honor people who have lost their lives due to anti-transgender violence. Such violence deeply saddens me, and not only because I have several transgendered friends. That human beings are capable of such bigotry is hard for me to believe at times. But that my loved ones could be targets of such hate crimes makes them personal.

Unfortunately, I didn't feel well yesterday; I got up, but soon went back to bed, and slept most of the rest of the day. So I didn't get to attend the event at Wash. U., where they were going to be showing the second half of the documentary series TransGeneration. That was upsetting to me not only because I had really wanted to go, but because I had been planning to take a friend who doesn't have a car and also wanted to be there.

The other night, I watched the first episode of TransGeneration on YouTube. Everything beyond that was just little clips, or too poor quality to be worth watching. Last night, since I had missed the screening, I searched in vain for another source of the series, but finally gave up and fell asleep watching Transamerica on Google Videos.

Obama may not support same-sex marriage, but he does support legally-equivalent civil unions, expanded hate crimes legislation, and employment nondiscrimination. The results of this Election Day were bittersweet for LGBTQ folk and straight allies, but there is hope that things are moving forward. Prop 8 passed by only a slender margin, the California Supreme Court is going to hear challenges to the ban, and the worst bigots are slowly dying off. Most young people I know are supportive of LGBTQ rights; the worst sin of my generation is apathy. Hopefully soon, we can sit back and bask in equality, but right now, activism is needed.