"Marriage Is Love" Revisited, or "We just saved a bundle on car insurance!"

~~~ See end of post for important update! ~~~

Yesterday, I attended the Marriage Equality Town Hall Talk at Central Reform Congregation. Two of my closest friends went with me. My friends enjoyed the talk and found it informative and thought-provoking.

Over dinner afterward, we chatted about marriage equality. One of my friends told me that the talk was really good. She said she learned some things that she hadn't known before. She even said that if she were to attend a marriage equality rally, the sign she'd make would say something like, "I can get married; why can't they?" That was thrilling, because back in November, she hadn't seemed interested enough in the issue to want to attend a rally in protest of Proposition 8.

At the talk, we heard from some of the couples who traveled to Iowa on May 1st how life has or hasn't changed since they got legally married there.

Many said the day was bittersweet. It wasn't how they had imagined getting married. They had wanted a normal wedding with all of their family and friends present. Some had hesitated before deciding that boarding the bus was the right thing to do.

But most were surprised by how meaningful the day turned out to be. They didn't encounter any protesters, and the people of Iowa City were welcoming. The bus and the church in which they tied the knot were full of love and support that day.

And they returned home to some unexpected benefits of marriage. For one thing, getting married in Iowa entitled the couples to a legal name change for the $35 cost of the marriage license -- and the name changes cannot be contested in the state of Missouri. Other same-sex couples have spent thousands of dollars getting their names changed without a marriage license.

Ed Reggi spoke of how the businesses with which he holds accounts wanted to change his account status to "married." Because of their new married status, Ed and his husband Scott Emanuel were able to save hundreds of dollars a year on their car insurance. I now think that the newlywed couple ought to star in a GEICO commercial:

"The state of Missouri won't recognize our out-of-state marriage license. But there's good news!"

"What's that?"

"We just saved a bunch of money on car insurance!"

During a question-and-answer session, I asked if it's true that it's a misdemeanor to perform a same-sex wedding ceremony in Missouri. Rabbi Susan Talve confirmed that it's a misdemeanor in this state "to solemnize a marriage without a marriage license." Religious leaders are representatives of the state when they conduct wedding ceremonies. The government grants them the right to officiate, to create a legal marriage along with the spiritual union. By default, all same-sex weddings in Missouri are performed without a marriage license. In 2004, Missourians passed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Rabbi Talve has never actually been cited for officiating a same-sex wedding, and she has done so numerous times. "Let them try!" she quipped. But technically, she doesn't have the legal right to marry same-sex couples, even though her religion fully supports such couples' right to marry. She spoke of the sadness that accompanies her joy when conducting same-sex wedding ceremonies. She wants to be able to make the marriages legal, and she can't. This is the heart of why legalizing same-sex marriage is a matter of religious freedom.

Another person asked how a separate-but-equal right to civil unions for same-sex couples would be different than the right to civil marriage. Reggi summarized what he has heard from lawyer friends: The word "marriage" is written into law on so many different levels that creating an entirely new institution would pose no end of legal challenges. Even if civil unions were legally equivalent to civil marriages, problems might arise when, for example, couples with a civil union license crossed state lines.

This argument also applies to the idea of the government getting out of the marriage business: If civil marriages were replaced by civil unions, then opposite-sex couples wishing to form a civil union would most likely run into the same legal hassles. And all because certain people don't want to share the sacred word "marriage" with committed, loving same-sex couples whose unions are just as sacred as theirs.

One member of one of the couples compared the opposition to same-sex marriage with the opposition to interracial marriage by a previous generation. "It's the same discrimination all over again," she said. Her parents are an interracial couple.


Next up in the fight for marriage equality is the Prop 8 Day of Decision. The California Supreme Court has only until June 3rd to rule on the challenge to Proposition 8. The ruling will be on either a Monday or a Thursday. Supporters of marriage equality need to be ready to rally, regardless of the decision!


IMPORTANT UPDATE 5/22/09: Today the California Supreme Court announced that it will rule on Prop 8 this Tuesday, May 26, at 10 a.m. Pacific time (12 noon Central). Ed Reggi is planning a rally in St. Louis for Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. Please add him as a friend on Facebook and be ready to protest or celebrate!


Cross-posted to St. Louis Activist Hub

National Sexual Assault Awareness Month (and yes, I'm still alive)

This is the clichéd-yet-obligatory "I'm not dead" intro. I haven't posted in this blog for several months, due to personal and family goings-on. But I've decided that it's time to start writing again, because--among other reasons--this is the end of April. April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and I wanted to share some thoughts about it.

Whether you know it or not, rape, incest and sexual assault affect everyone. If you haven't been a victim yourself, someone you know and care about almost certainly has. These are crimes that are woefully underreported, by male survivors most of all:

Many people don't take male sexual assault seriously. This is one of the reasons why male victims have a difficult time reporting what happened and why the rates of male sexual assault are thought to be significantly underreported. If a male survivor's friends think that male sexual assault is a joke, he will feel isolated and afraid to tell anyone. Sexual assault is a painful, traumatic experience for any victim.

The National Center for PTSD elaborates:

There is a bias in our culture against viewing the sexual assault of boys and men as prevalent and abusive. Because of this bias, there is a belief that boys and men do not experience abuse and do not suffer from the same negative impact that girls and women do. However, research shows that at least 10% of boys and men are sexually assaulted and that boys and men can suffer profoundly from the experience. Because so few people have information about male sexual assault, men often suffer from a sense of being different, which can make it more difficult for men to seek help.

There is some controversy over statistics regarding the prevalence of male versus female sexual assault in this country. I will not address the controversy here, as I have not done enough research to speak as an authority on this issue. Most statistics I have found indicate that women are victims of rape and sexual assault much more frequently than men. But it is clear that rape, sexual assault, and other forms of abuse* affect all genders. And sexual violence or abuse of anyone is unacceptable.

Here are some ways you can help a loved one who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Most of these guidelines apply or can be adapted to help a victim/survivor of physical assault or domestic violence. Self-care is also imperative, though often difficult. Please see the links near the bottom of the webpage for some guidelines regarding self-care, for friends and family members as well as for survivors.

If you have been a victim of rape or sexual assault, you can get help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). If you are currently a victim of domestic violence and need help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). (Please keep in mind that computer and phone use can be monitored.) You are not alone, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You need not listen to the voices of abusers anymore.


* WARNING: This video contains graphic, disturbing images of real violence, which may be triggering to some. If you have been a victim of assault, battering, or other forms of domestic violence and have symptoms of post-traumatic stress, please do not watch this video unless you are in a safe place by yourself or with people you trust, and are confident that you can watch it without being triggered. If you feel triggered after watching this video, try watching something cute and fuzzy to help you calm down. If you experience a flashback while watching this video and do not feel safe, please call a trusted friend or a crisis hotline such as the Life Crisis Line in St. Louis, MO (314-647-4357).

Human Rights, and Day without a Gay

Next Wednesday, December 10, is international Human Rights Day. It's also Day without a Gay.


What is Day without a Gay? In short, it is a day for LGBTQ people and allies to "call in gay" to work in order to give back to the community. People are justifiably outraged by the passage of California's Proposition 8, as well as the anti-gay ballot measures in Florida, Arizona, and Arkansas, and other violations of the civil rights of LGBTQ Americans. It is important to stand up and fight, but in order to win, we must get beyond our anger. Volunteering for LGBTQ-friendly organizations is an excellent way to do so.

You do not have to be gay to take the day off on the 10th to support our cause. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and asexuals are all invited to do so, as are people who are transgendered, intersexed, genderqueer, or allies of all of the above. The word "Gay" was chosen simply because it rhymes with "Day." This day is about tolerance and inclusiveness. So please don't let the name put you off.

Another concern that some have about Day without a Gay is the impracticality of taking the day off work. Besides the obvious risks of "calling in gay," some people -- many people -- do not have paid vacation time, and some truly cannot afford to take the day off work. Thus, Day without a Gay has been accused of being classist, and I can understand that viewpoint. I do believe that the day is important, but it's probably not worth losing your electricity or missing your rent or mortgage payment.

But you don't have to take the day off to help. You can volunteer whenever you are able -- perhaps before or after work on the 10th, but really, any day of the year -- and if you're not able, you can do other things to support the cause.

If you are interested and able to attend, Show Me No Hate is sponsoring a Community Education Day as the local (St. Louis) event for Day without a Gay. "This will be a day," according to the site, when "we can get educated, energized, mobilized and prepared" to continue the fight for LGBTQ equality. And at the end of the event, we get to watch the new movie Milk. A limited number of free tickets will be available.


December 10, 2008 is the 60th anniversary of the United Nations' Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The General Assembly of the UN "adopted and proclaimed" the Declaration in 1948. In 1948 we had this proclamation of human rights and human dignity.

Reading the UDHR today, in 21st Century America, I am amazed by how progressive it sounds, relative to American politics. More important, I am struck by how many human rights violations my country engages in regularly.

Article 16 states that marriage is a human right for "[m]en and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion." Gender variants are not mentioned, and sexuality is not specifically mentioned as an unacceptable limitation to marriage. But Article 2 establishes that all people are "entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status [emphasis mine]."

This country and the world still have a long way to go, and the truth is, there are much more egregious human rights violations than the lack of same-sex marriage being committed in the United States and all over the world. Humans are troubled creatures, prone to hatred, violence and divisiveness. I am a realist. I realize that human nature cannot be forced into submission.

But I'm also an idealist. I know that we've come a long way already. And I still hope for the ultimate triumph of love, peace and unity.

Prop 8 Protest Memories

One week ago today I was at my local Prop 8 protest rally.

The Join the Impact Show Me No H8 protest last Saturday was amazing, with a diverse group of eloquent speakers, and an enthusiastic, cheering crowd. Turnout was great in spite of the weather; I am proud of my fellow St. Louisans for coming out and braving the cold. Many thanks to the speakers, the organizers, and everyone who attended. It was truly touching standing with all of you, in one protest of many across the nation, against hate and in support of love.

There were a number of clever signs, and I took pictures of many of them. One of my favorites was the one that read, "WTF?" (spelled out). Also amusing was the "God hates shrimp" sign, reminiscent of a skit I saw at a Charis concert the other year.

Another sign read, "Justice does not mean Just Us"; I liked that one as well. I also particularly admired signs quoting John Lennon and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Fear and hatred cloud our judgment" (Lennon) and "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" (King). Then there was the child holding up the sign she'd made that read simply, "Love is love."

At least one of the signs read, "Honk for equality," and many cars did so as they drove by. It was priceless when a Lumiere Place bus drove by with the words, "Whatever turns you on" written across its side.

Of course, one of the best things about any LGBTQ event is the presence of rainbows, and we had plenty of those. There was no absence of color outside the Old Courthouse that day -- young and old; black and white; gay, straight and more, we were united for equality.


Linked photos are from Aaron X's Moon Shadows photo journal.